Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
