her vagina looked like bernie madoff
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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