perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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