Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
