i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
