I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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