The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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