i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
