I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize