I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
