What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
