I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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