paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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