I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
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i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
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