i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
