She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
