I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
