I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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