between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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