a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
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