I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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