why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
