well I can't set my house on fire every night
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
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