What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
