I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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