i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
