Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
