I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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