I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
