Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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