A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
