I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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