Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
