I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
