How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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