Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
