I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
