We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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