I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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