But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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