How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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