Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Fuck me I smell like cheese
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
