i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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