The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
