Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
