i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
