What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
