She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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