Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
