I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
