he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I could fuck to npr.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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