New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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