You smell like stripper and shame
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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