GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
