If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Randomize
