So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You are a genius and a whore.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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