which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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