its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
